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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26815981">Wild Horses</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joels_revolver/pseuds/Joels_revolver'>Joels_revolver</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Last of Us (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Father-Daughter Relationship, Gen, Survivor Guilt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 09:35:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,995</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26815981</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joels_revolver/pseuds/Joels_revolver</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Two years into their estrangement, Ellie and Joel are scheduled to go on patrol together. It goes about as well as Joel expected.</p><p>And then it gets better.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ellie &amp; Joel (The Last of Us)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>171</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>The Last of Us Favorites</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Wild Horses</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Joel comes bursting into Tommy’s office, slapping the piece of paper on his desk with the flat of his hand.</p><p>“Is this your idea of a joke?” he growls.</p><p>Tommy looks at the sheet of paper, opens his mouth, but Joel doesn’t give him the chance to speak.</p><p>“I asked one thing of you, one thing in two years, and that was not to schedule me on patrol with Ellie.”</p><p>Tommy sighs, leaning back in his chair. “Maria’s at the power plant with half our men and she’s not coming back for at least a week. I can’t leave here and you’re the only one who knows that route well enough that I don’t have to come along.”</p><p>“So let me go alone.”</p><p>“No one goes on patrol alone.”</p><p>“Then find someone else,” Joel says through gritted teeth.</p><p>“There is no one else. I already had to cut the group patrols to paired ones to cover all the routes. We need those supplies, Joel, and I need people that I know can handle that trip. Right now that means you and Ellie."</p><p>Joel breaks away from Tommy’s gaze, rubbing his hand over his forehead.</p><p>
  <em>Goddammit.</em>
</p><p>“Joel. I know this isn’t what you want-”</p><p>“This isn’t about me, Tommy. She <em>hates</em> me and you want to send her on a two day long patrol with me?”</p><p>Tommy shrugs helplessly. “I wouldn’t ask this of you if it wasn’t necessary. You know that.”</p><p>Joel clenches his jaw, breathes out through his nose. “Fine.”</p><p>He turns his back on Tommy, slamming the door on his way out.</p><p>***</p><p>Joel is waiting by the stables, the reins of Shimmer and his stallion, Atlas, in his hands. Ellie had chosen that name, stating that <em>a badass horse needs a badass name</em>.</p><p>Christ, if he had known that two years later Ellie would hate him with every bone in her body, he’d have chosen a damn name himself. Now he’s reminded of what he’s lost every time he sits in the saddle.</p><p>The sight of Ellie coming around the corner sends his heart into a frenzy. Joel can take on a horde of clickers without breaking a sweat, but going on patrol with Ellie is what turns him into a nervous wreck.</p><p>“Hey,” he says carefully when Ellie reaches him. She spares him a quick glance, but doesn’t say anything, taking the reins out of his hand to mount her horse.</p><p>Joel tries to school his features into an indifferent expression. Not that it matters. Ellie is looking at anything but him.</p><p>He’s barely in the saddle when Ellie gives Shimmer a light kick and sets out. Joel lets her take the lead, staying a few paces behind her. If Ellie has to spend two days in his company alone, he can at least try to make it easy for her.</p><p>Joel looks up at the sky, frowning at the dark clouds gathering in the distance. He looks at Ellie. Sighs.</p><p>
  <em>Let’s get this over with, then.</em>
</p><p>For her sake, if not for his own.</p><p>***</p><p>The rain is drumming down on Joel’s shoulders, drenching his clothes and plastering his hair to his head. He lifts a hand to his face to shield his eyes, trying to get a proper look at Ellie who’s barely visible through the thick curtain of rain. Daylight is fading quickly, yet Ellie has shown no indication of stopping for the night.</p><p>They’ve made good progress, getting rid of the infected quickly and cleanly. Joel is glad to note that they still work well together, despite their… issues. If they continued like that, they could reach Jackson by midnight and wouldn’t even have to stop for the night. Which is exactly why, Joel assumes, Ellie is charging ahead like that, hunched in her saddle with the hood of her raincoat pulled over her head. She'd rather spend a few more hours in the saddle than a night with him. Joel can’t fault her for that. But he’s also soaked from head to toe and frozen to the bone. He can’t imagine Ellie feels any better. Regardless of how badly she wants to be rid of him, it’s not worth freezing to death for.</p><p>“Ellie, we need to stop! It’s no use in this rain!”</p><p>Ellie turns her head over her shoulder. Joel can read her face like a book. She wants to keep going, wants to argue, but she can’t ignore that circumstances are working against them. She nods, admitting defeat.</p><p>They keep riding for another few minutes, looking for a place to stay. They settle on an old school building. Plenty of room to keep even the horses out of the rain and hopefully plenty of the supplies that Tommy wants so badly.</p><p>Joel pushes the doors open and they lead the horses inside. The school seems quiet. No clicking, no anguished moans, no rumbling… But Joel knows from years of experience that silence doesn’t always mean the absence of danger.</p><p>“Let’s take a look around, check if the place is clear.”</p><p>“Okay,” Ellie says without looking at him and makes her way down the corridor.</p><p>Joel looks after her, trying not to feel hurt by her coldness toward him and sighs. He understands, of course. The fact that they are here together doesn’t erase the fact that Ellie still can’t stand him. If she needs time to herself, time away from him, then Joel would give her that. Even if it made his heart clench in sorrow.</p><p>He waits until Ellie has disappeared into the upper floor, then he starts his own round. He checks every classroom for signs of Infected and searches them for supplies. He gets the impression that this isn’t the first time the school is used as a hideout, because he finds ammo, clothes, blankets and, as luck would have it, a box of matches.</p><p>Joel chooses the smallest classroom, figuring it’ll warm up the quickest and sets up a fire, opening the window a crack so the smoke can blow out. Taking off his jacket and shirt, he hangs them over a chair near the fire to dry and pulls on a sweater he found. The pants, sadly, are nowhere near his size and since he sincerely doubts that Ellie would appreciate the sight of him in his boxers, he resigns himself to spending a night in wet jeans.</p><p>Next, he fetches the horses, removes the saddles and drops them near the fire. Finally, the mattress he spotted in the classroom next door; that too, gets its place by the fire.</p><p>With the camp all set up, Joel can’t help but wonder what Ellie is doing. At least an hour must have passed and there’s still no sign of her. No gunshots or screaming, either, for that matter, so she’s probably fine. Joel knows she’s capable of taking care of herself, but he also knows that capability isn’t always enough, so he grabs his revolver and climbs the stairs to look for her.</p><p>He’s halfway down the corridor, peeking into every classroom on his way, when he hears it. A guitar, and it’s playing a very familiar tune. It’s coming from the end of the hallway. Joel approaches the room quietly, trying not to make himself heard, as Ellie begins to sing very softly.</p><p>
  <em>If I ever were to lose you, I’d surely lose myself.</em>
</p><p>She has her back to him, sitting on a chair, and Joel leans against the doorframe, hoping that Ellie doesn’t hear his heavy heartbeat.</p><p>She finishes the first verse of the song, the final note ringing across the room. The hand that’s been gripping the neck of the guitar falls to her lap and she turns her head ever so slightly into Joel’s direction.</p><p>“You can come in.”</p><p>Joel, called out, enters the room slowly, taking stock of all the instruments in it. There’s a piano, several guitars, a cello, drums… and Ellie, not looking at him, instead stroking her fingers over her guitar.</p><p>“You’ve gotten pretty good at that,” Joel says carefully.</p><p>Ellie glances at him. “Well, there’s this guy I used to take lessons from, taught me everything I know.”</p><p>Joel swallows, tries to speak past the tightness in his throat. “I reckon you’re better than him by now.”</p><p>He could be mistaken, but he’s pretty sure the corners of Ellie’s mouth turn up into a small smile. It looks sad somehow. Joel draws in a breath and turns to the drum set, fiddling with the cymbal, tapping his knuckles on the tom-drums.</p><p>“Can you play that?”</p><p>Joel shoots her a glance. This is the most they’ve talked in two years. He can’t screw this up now.</p><p>“No, not really,” he says, and sensing a chance for a conversation opener, adds, ”Tommy was always the drummer between the two of us.”</p><p>“Tommy can play the drums?”</p><p>“Yep, and he’s pretty good at it, too. We used to have a band, him, me and two other guys. Tommy at the drums, the others at guitar and keyboard.”</p><p>“What was your part?”</p><p>“Guitar.”</p><p>“And?” Ellie smiles like she’s forgotten for the moment that Joel is far from her favorite person right now.</p><p>“And,” Joel says with a long suffering sigh, “singer.”</p><p>Ellie chuckles. It’s far from the laugh he’d have received if they’d had this conversation a few years earlier, but it nevertheless makes Joel’s chest swell with warmth.</p><p>“I was good.”</p><p>“Yeah," Ellie says with a sobering expression, "I know.”</p><p>Joel clears his throat, walking the few steps to the guitars. He takes one off the stands and sits down opposite Ellie to tune it, then starts playing a melody. Nothing specific, just letting his fingers do the work, until his mind settles on an idea. It’s risky and could fail spectacularly, but Joel decides to take his chance.<br/>
He strums a few chords, and to his relief Ellie doesn’t storm out of the room, instead she picks up her guitar and joins in.</p><p>When she starts to sing, quietly, Joel allows himself a tentative smile.</p><p>
  <em>Childhood living is easy to do<br/>
The things you wanted, I bought them for you<br/>
Graceless lady you know who I am<br/>
You know I can’t let you slide through my hands</em>
</p><p>They sing the chorus together, as they always have in the past because, <em>If I have to sing, old man, then so do you,</em> and there might be tears in Joel’s eyes because he has <em>missed</em> this, has missed Ellie like a piece of his own heart. Having her here now, singing this song they’ve played together so many times, feels like the missing piece has slotted back in place and he can finally feel whole again.</p><p>The song draws to a close, the last note rings out and the room is engulfed in silence again.</p><p>“I don’t hate you,” Ellie suddenly says.</p><p>Joel looks at her, startled.</p><p>“I heard you talking to Tommy this morning and… I don’t hate you. I wanted to, but… eventually I just settled on thinking you’re a selfish asshole.”</p><p>Joel nods once, slowly. “That’s fair.”</p><p>Ellie puts her guitar away, so does Joel and the only sound is that of the rain pattering against the windows. There’s a pregnant silence between them, heavy with the weight of unspoken words.</p><p>“Why did you do it?” Ellie eventually asks quietly.</p><p>Joel looks at her in surprise. Of all the questions she could have asked, he’d thought the answer to that one would be obvious.</p><p>“Because I didn’t want to live in a world that wouldn’t have you in it,” he says slowly and honestly. It’s perhaps the most honest he’s ever been with her.</p><p>“And you didn’t think of giving me a say in that?” she asks accusingly.</p><p>“They didn’t neither.”</p><p>“Doesn’t make it better.”</p><p>Joel hesitates, struggling to get the words out. “Are you... waiting for an apology, is that it? Because you won’t get one. I don’t regret it. I would do it all over again if given the chance.”</p><p>Ellie doesn’t answer. She’s looking at her hands interlocked into a white knuckled grip in her lap, her jaw is clenched into a hard line.</p><p>Joel leans forward on his elbows, mirroring Ellie’s pose. This is important, this moment right now, because Joel realizes that Ellie has no idea how she makes the world a richer, a better place simply by existing, that her life matters in a greater way than she can even begin to understand.</p><p>“Ellie-”</p><p>“<em>Every time</em> someone gets infected, I feel like that’s on me. Do you even realise-,” her voice falters, she looks away, not before Joel catches the glistening of tears in her eyes. It takes every ounce of restraint in him not to fall to his knees before her, cradle her face in his hands like he did when she was fourteen, a child that has suffered more than a lifetime’s worth.  </p><p>“Ellie,” he says, his voice sounding rough even to his own ears, “listen to me very closely now. Your worth is not defined by your immunity. You don’t owe anyone anything. That burden never should have been put on your shoulders. You deserve a chance at life just as much as everyone else does and if you need me to tell you that every day for the rest of your life until you believe it, I will.”</p><p>Even as Joel says the words he can tell she doesn’t believe him. Not quite. Not yet. But he meant what he said. He’ll be there, if she lets him.</p><p>“Okay,” Ellie says with a small nod, and Joel thinks he can see a tear drop onto her hands. It makes him want to get up and take her into his arms, gather her against his chest, hold her until she feels how loved she is. He’s not sure if Ellie would want that, though. An ‘I don’t hate you’ hardly meant that she wanted a hug from him, but it’s a start. It’s more than Joel ever thought he’d get.</p><p>“Look. I made a fire downstairs, just come down whenever you’re ready, maybe change out of these wet clothes.”</p><p>Ellie nods in response and Joel gets up, hesitates, but then puts a hand on Ellie’s shoulder. He squeezes once and walks past her.</p><p>***</p><p>It takes a while -long enough for Joel to get started on dinner- but Ellie comes down eventually. Their eyes meet across the room and an understanding passes between them. They finally said the words they should have said a long time ago and the wall that has built between them has started to crumble.</p><p>Joel gestures to the pile of clothes sitting on one of the chairs. “There are some dry clothes, if you want them.”</p><p>“Thanks,” Ellie says quietly, taking the clothes and going to the next room to change. She comes back wearing an oversized t-shirt and pants that are at least a size too big for her.</p><p>“Found you something,” she says with an innocent look, tossing Joel a pair of sweatpants, and they are enormous. Joel could fit twice in there.</p><p>He arches an eyebrow at Ellie. “Really?”</p><p>“Sure beats wet jeans.”</p><p>“You’re right about that,” he mutters. “Have it your way then.”</p><p>Ellie sits down at the fire, her back to Joel and he changes into the sweatpants, securing them with a neat knot, so they don’t immediately slide down again.</p><p>Ellie’s lips quirk up into a small smile, when he comes around to sit by the fire.</p><p>“What?” he asks pointedly.</p><p>“You look ridiculous.”</p><p>“Like you look any better.”</p><p>Ellie ducks her head with a smile.</p><p>Joel appreciates this. This careful attempt at rebuilding what they once had. It unclenches something in his chest, lets him breathe an inner sigh of relief that he’s been holding in for a very long time now.</p><p>“Tomato soup?” he asks, stirring through the pot sitting on the flames.</p><p>“Er…”</p><p>“Kidding. There’s some beef jerky in my backpack.”</p><p>Ellie shoots him a look part amused, part exasperated, and rummages through his backpack until she finds the jerky.</p><p>They eat their dinner, Ellie stifling yawns throughout.</p><p>“You can have the mattress,” Joel says, “I'll keep watch.”</p><p>Ellie frowns at him. “You sure? We can take turns…”</p><p>“Nah, I’ll be fine. Go ahead.”</p><p>“Okay. Well, thanks.”</p><p>Ellie picks up a blanket and lies down on the mattress.</p><p>“Night, Joel.”</p><p>“Good night, kiddo.”</p><p>***</p><p>They head out in the early morning, riding in silence for the most part, but it’s companionable this time, a far cry from the strained atmosphere of the previous day.</p><p>A couple miles before Jackson, Ellie stops, gazing over the plains.</p><p>“Hey Joel. Look at that.”</p><p>Joel follows her gaze, his eyes landing on a herd of wild horses grazing in the distance.</p><p>“Well, that’s not something you see every day.”</p><p>“Pretty awesome.”</p><p>Joel smiles to himself at the look of awe on Ellie’s face.</p><p>“Come on,” he says, “let’s see if we can get a bit closer.”</p><p>They leave their horses, approaching the herd by foot. Ellie plucks some grass, moving toward one of the mares.</p><p>“Hey girl,” she says quietly.</p><p>The mare lifts her head, curious, studying Ellie with her gentle brown eyes, before cautiously moving closer, beckoned by the grass in Ellie’s hand.</p><p>“That’s it, come on.” Ellie opens her hand and the mare lowers her head to take it between her lips.</p><p>“There you go.” Ellie strokes her hand over the horse’s forehead, laughing when the mare pushes her head into Ellie’s chest in search for more food.</p><p>The sight reminds Joel so much of the moment five years ago, when they found that giraffe, that his breath catches in his throat.</p><p>“Joel, look at this,” Ellie says with a smile that could outshine the sun.</p><p>“Yeah, I see it,” Joel says softly and the feeling of hope that’s been blooming in his chest since yesterday transfroms into certainty.</p><p>They’re going to be alright.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The song Ellie and Joel play is 'Wild Horses' by The Rolling Stones.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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